Loneliness

I wrote this back in high school and only just now found four of my poems up on Poetry.com (under my maiden name, Crystal M Marinaro) so I'm excited to add one more to my blog here. Though I also found a copyright in my email for another poem and I have no idea where I posted that one... *the search continues*

Will I be doomed to roam 
The world over 
Lonely 
As the jackal 
Hunting my prey 
As it flees 
Never to experience 
The pleasure 
Or wholeness 
Of another 
No creature deserves 
That which i have been 
So damned 
Broken free of life 
The endless circle 
Coming to an end 
Deriving no sense 
Of direction 
I am doomed to wander 
Lonely

Memory Lane

Sometimes when I go for a drive

I turn down Memory Lane

I don't think about it

It just happens that way

The road goes on ahead

And I can still see where I'm going

But the world becomes a memory

And the memory starts flowing

The bright green of the grass

Neon but softer

The crisp texture of the trees

Swaying in a remembered breeze

The perfectly uneven cut of the wood posts

The welcoming blue of the morning sky

Bumpy is the road

But smooth is the ride

The sun shines brightly

Blinding orange

Dawning on the day

Rising with the past

I don't see the images

I see the present

But I feel their warmth

I feel their love

I remember meeting my husband

Smiles and laughter

I remember my imagination

Books and blankets

Bright is the sun

I can still see shadows

But they pale in comparison

To what casts them

It's broken and in pieces

But I remember it whole

Chained to my heart

I won't let it slip away

The soundtrack plays

I've attributed many songs to the past

But a Neon Trees song loops now

And I'm okay with that

I'm home again

The colors are fading

Memory Lane stopped at the driveway

I'll see it again soon

Next time I might see today

I might see yesterday

It's a neverending road

It remembers tomorrow

The good times are along the way

The bad times are just shadows

Chained to my heart

But smooth is the ride.

Parent Appreciation

For me, this year is all about parent appreciation. This pregnancy has put me through so much hell, even this morning, that I cant help but feel grateful and appreciative for everything my parents have gone through for the sake of their children. Today, it's all about the moms. To every woman who has gone through a pregnancy (especially those who suffered through the more unpleasant symptoms); to every woman who struggled with loss and disappointment before their journey into parenthood finally began; to every woman who got the opportunity to adopt and bring love and joy into an abandoned child's life; to every woman who stepped up into motherhood for their spouses children; your struggles and sacrifices have not been and never will be forgotten.

Thank you for all that you do. And a HUGE apology for all the hardships we children put you through. For all the sleepless nights, the financial burden of diapers and formula, the spit-up stains on every good shirt you own, the crayon that wont come off the wall, the broken glasses from your past, the spilt milk on the carpet, the messes in the bathroom, the impossible feat of taking kids to the grocery store, the lack of hot water from hour long showers, the constant begging for junk food, giving up the last little debbie brownie EVERY TIME, the soda cans in the bedrooms, the clothes on the floor, the dirt tracks down the hall, the too-quiet mornings when you know children are wreaking silent havok, the trouble of finding kids in storm drains (well, maybe that doesnt apply to everyone), the permanent marker on the wall that makes you miss the days when it was only crayon, the attitudes, the failures, the unfinished chores, the procrastination, the emails to teachers, the enhanced headaches, the banging on the bathroom door every time you have to pee, the screaming, the crying, the selfishness and whining... and so so so much more.

As children, we dont always understand or recognize everything you do. It never occurs to us that you deserve more than one day a year, and that we don't "have to be nice to mom today" just because that's the spirit of the holiday. It's not until you become a mother yourself that you realize just how little you get in return for all the love you give. I cant speak for everyone, but I know that within the first few years of parenthood, the three strongest emotions I felt were love, overwhelming, and a massive amount of guilt. I never helped you enough, never said thank you enough, and I certainly never stepped up to responsibility to prove that your hard work wasn't for nothing.

Well, my unborn child is continuing to give me the gift of nausea this morning, and it seems a second bout of vomiting is close behind. Guess that means I'm done here! Have a good day, moms, and know that you are appreciated.

Healing Spell

My friend asked me to help her write a healing spell, and this is what I came up with. Figured on things like this, it would be a good idea to save a copy of such things here, until I create a Book of Shadows.

Light of Hope, Light of Faith,
Heal her with your warm embrace.
My love and friend, she needs you now
Her mind and body please endow
Share your strength, share your power
I ask you Goddess, in this Hour
Send away the pain and strife,
Lift her spirits--heal her life.

The Mountain and the Moon

There is a mountain in front of me. I can feel her presence.
She offers a challenge.
Do I sit at her base, and wonder what secrets she holds?
Observing her mysteries from afar teaches me nothing.
So I climb upward every day, higher and higher. I know not to look down.
It is a very long way down.
I am not alone.
Family, friends, and soulmates travel beside me.
They smile, and I am comforted.
Some I have always known;  some I do not know yet.
I near the top, and my surroundings begin to blur.
Nothing else matters now except the peak.
In the blur, I cannot focus.
I stumble, and fall back.
Not far. I can recover.
I look up. The blur is gone.
No, I see more clearly now than I first did.
The mountain has grown higher.
My fears strengthen.
My resolve slides into darkness.
I cannot do this alone.
I reach up for support from those who journey with me.
They are ahead of me.
They did not stop.
I am alone now, and I am weak.
I feel rejected, hated, and judged.
I feel lost, forgotten, and unworthy.
Are these my emotions?
I feel myself begin to mirror the accusations.
I judge myself, I hate myself, I reject myself.
I look up. The moon hangs beyond the peak.
She is wise. I can see her light.
She offers guidance and patience.
Do I attempt to climb higher, with her aid?
I do not want to be forgotten again.
She sings to me the song of the stars.
Perhaps I am not as alone as it seems.
She smiles, and I am comforted.


Benedetto sia la luna.
)O(

I Am Everywhere. At Once. LIFE.

I have so much on my mind
So much I need to get done
So much I WANT to get done
So much I want to say
So much I want to type
So much I want to SING.
I'm happy
I'm excited
I'm ECSTATIC
But I'm also a bit resigned
And more than a little overwhelmed.
No, nothing new
Nothing exciting
Nothing extraordinary going on in my life.
It's just LIFE.
So much of it right now.

How do I balance what I need to do
With what I want to do?
How do I incorporate my real friends
None of which are here with me
Into my real life
While still allowing them the freedom of their own real lives
With the real friends that they have?
How do I incorporate my imaginary world
Which is always with me
Into my real life
Without neglecting my real life?

How do I get everything done
How do I say everything
How can I type it all
How can I hit the right notes
If I'm everywhere at once?

2007 New Year's Resolution

I wrote this in December of 2006. This was my New Year's Resolution for the year of 2007. Did I ever truly reach my goal? I don't think so, because if I would have, I think I'd remember who it was. I think I'd remember changing someone's life. Either way, this is what I wanted that year. I might not have achieved it, but it was admirable enough that I do want to remember it.


I thought about this for a really long time... each year I never follow through with my New Year's resolution... usually because it's something stupid like, "I want to have the hottest body ever!!!" lol. But this year I really thought about it, and I want to do something nice. I want to change someone's life...

My New Year's resolution is to make a new friend. Not just some random person I meet, but someone sent to me, like an Angel. I want to be there for them when they need someone, whether as a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to talk to--someone to listen. I want to support them in their decisions, whether or not I agree with them. I want to ask them how their day is going, and really listen to what they have to say. I want to be their "rock"... the one thing in their life that they know will always be there for them. I want them to know they can trust me, I want to keep their secrets. I want to be the person they can open up to with everything, and know that they are safe with me. I want to form a bond... not a quick made, easy broken "you were my friend while you were here" bond, but a true, strong, unending bond of friendship and love. I want to change someone's life... by being the best friend I can be. I want to be someone's guardian Angel.