The Mountain and the Moon

There is a mountain in front of me. I can feel her presence.
She offers a challenge.
Do I sit at her base, and wonder what secrets she holds?
Observing her mysteries from afar teaches me nothing.
So I climb upward every day, higher and higher. I know not to look down.
It is a very long way down.
I am not alone.
Family, friends, and soulmates travel beside me.
They smile, and I am comforted.
Some I have always known;  some I do not know yet.
I near the top, and my surroundings begin to blur.
Nothing else matters now except the peak.
In the blur, I cannot focus.
I stumble, and fall back.
Not far. I can recover.
I look up. The blur is gone.
No, I see more clearly now than I first did.
The mountain has grown higher.
My fears strengthen.
My resolve slides into darkness.
I cannot do this alone.
I reach up for support from those who journey with me.
They are ahead of me.
They did not stop.
I am alone now, and I am weak.
I feel rejected, hated, and judged.
I feel lost, forgotten, and unworthy.
Are these my emotions?
I feel myself begin to mirror the accusations.
I judge myself, I hate myself, I reject myself.
I look up. The moon hangs beyond the peak.
She is wise. I can see her light.
She offers guidance and patience.
Do I attempt to climb higher, with her aid?
I do not want to be forgotten again.
She sings to me the song of the stars.
Perhaps I am not as alone as it seems.
She smiles, and I am comforted.


Benedetto sia la luna.
)O(

I Am Everywhere. At Once. LIFE.

I have so much on my mind
So much I need to get done
So much I WANT to get done
So much I want to say
So much I want to type
So much I want to SING.
I'm happy
I'm excited
I'm ECSTATIC
But I'm also a bit resigned
And more than a little overwhelmed.
No, nothing new
Nothing exciting
Nothing extraordinary going on in my life.
It's just LIFE.
So much of it right now.

How do I balance what I need to do
With what I want to do?
How do I incorporate my real friends
None of which are here with me
Into my real life
While still allowing them the freedom of their own real lives
With the real friends that they have?
How do I incorporate my imaginary world
Which is always with me
Into my real life
Without neglecting my real life?

How do I get everything done
How do I say everything
How can I type it all
How can I hit the right notes
If I'm everywhere at once?

2007 New Year's Resolution

I wrote this in December of 2006. This was my New Year's Resolution for the year of 2007. Did I ever truly reach my goal? I don't think so, because if I would have, I think I'd remember who it was. I think I'd remember changing someone's life. Either way, this is what I wanted that year. I might not have achieved it, but it was admirable enough that I do want to remember it.


I thought about this for a really long time... each year I never follow through with my New Year's resolution... usually because it's something stupid like, "I want to have the hottest body ever!!!" lol. But this year I really thought about it, and I want to do something nice. I want to change someone's life...

My New Year's resolution is to make a new friend. Not just some random person I meet, but someone sent to me, like an Angel. I want to be there for them when they need someone, whether as a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to talk to--someone to listen. I want to support them in their decisions, whether or not I agree with them. I want to ask them how their day is going, and really listen to what they have to say. I want to be their "rock"... the one thing in their life that they know will always be there for them. I want them to know they can trust me, I want to keep their secrets. I want to be the person they can open up to with everything, and know that they are safe with me. I want to form a bond... not a quick made, easy broken "you were my friend while you were here" bond, but a true, strong, unending bond of friendship and love. I want to change someone's life... by being the best friend I can be. I want to be someone's guardian Angel.

Life is Like a Flower (Depression)

I wrote this a very long time ago; July 14, 2007. This was about a month and a half before I was discharged from the Navy, and I believe this is when my depression really started to come out. This is also five years before I got on medication; I don't feel this way anymore, and it just goes to show how extremely different your mind thinks when it is depressed and when it is back to normal.


A long time ago, someone told me that life was like a flower. I always pictured myself as one of the garden flowers form Alice in Wonderland. I didn't know what they meant--I just thought it was a fun little world to imagine being in. But now I'm finding out, life really is like a flower. Maybe a nuclear submarine is a weird place to discover the similarities, but it's so much more than that now.

I can just picture a cute, purple flower--the kind little kids first learn to draw. It's alive, but it needs sunlight, water, and love to keep it healthy. Sunlight I see as happiness. Staying positive. Motivated. Water I see as sadness, stress, and the general "down side" to life. It seems horrible, but a little bad shows you that you really need to appreciate the sun, the good times, and to love what you have while it's here in the little time life gives you. Love... that one should be obvious. It's the support you need from family and friends that keep you going, that give you a reason to wake up each morning, and to pray for each night.

If I were that flower, I have my love. My family, my husband, and all my friends and co-workers that help me when I need it most. But I feel as if it started raining and never stopped. All I want is a little sunlight... I almost don't remember what it's like. I can see the other flowers, bathing in sunlight, bright as can be. And here I am, drowning. I don't even feel like a flower anymore... I feel like a weed. No one in their right mind wants an annoying, ugly weed in their garden. I want to be a flower again--I want the sunlight again. By the time the rain lets up, the sun will have set and I will be nothing but a wilting weed, old and forgotten by everyone but the bugs, all alone in the dark.